Are you and your co-parent ready for the school summer holiday?

It’s around 6 weeks until the children break up for the summer and there’s then 6-7 weeks of childcare and hopefully, holidays away, to be prepared for.

Whilst this is a time of great optimism and enjoyment for many, it’s another strain for separated parents when it can be difficult to plan and agree what is happening.  Lack of clarity on plans for the summer can cause huge stress to parents though more importantly can be very stressful for children as they are out of their normal routine and may be unwittingly exposed to turmoil if parents are struggling to agree.

There is no hard and fast rule or ‘one size fits all’ for what arrangements to make for children during extended holiday periods and that can make things even harder.   If you haven’t managed to pin down those arrangements yet, it may be useful to think about a service that helps you manage communications with the other parent and to keep things objective and child focussed.  This can be a real challenge to manage for parents that once had a very different relationship.  Mediation can offer a safe and calm environment in which to focus on discussions that create a co-parenting relationship and arrangement plan that really benefits your children.  Depending on their age, you can even give them an opportunity to contribute to the decision making by meeting with the mediator themselves.  There’s more information about mediation and how it could work for you here https://www.bandhattonbutton.com/individuals/family-law-solicitors/mediation/

If you’re not at the point of looking for outside help yet, the following tips may be useful when considering and discussing changes to arrangements:

Be Fair

Being the 'main carer' of the children (however that may be defined) shouldn't mean that the children don't get to spend adequate amounts of time with their other parent. If you can, try to think about the situation from your children’s perspective and maybe even, that of the other parent who likely wants to spend as much time with the children as you do.

Holidays, particularly in the summer, provide an opportunity for the children to spend more quality time with their parents and even see their parents in a different light, away from the usual pressures of every day.

It can be tempting to feel the need to control all the details of the children’s movements during their holidays, though the other parent can and likely should shoulder that responsibility too.  It’s good if the children can see their parents working together and sharing responsibility for them.  They may be parents themselves one day and a positive experience of both of their parents will help them.

If it’s been a tricky experience co-parenting, there may be a temptation to curtail the other parent gets to spend with the children although does this really help the children?  Just as much as you need to navigate a new co-parenting relationship, the children need the opportunity to experience a slightly different relationship with each parent and develop that as they got older and more independent.  Attempting to hold tight to the control of all the arrangements and time children get with the other parent, can damage the children’s relationships with both parents in the long term.

Be Flexible

The law encourages parents to come to arrangements between them and the Court will only intervene if it is absolutely necessary. Indeed, to resort to a Court to make decisions about your children is very uncomfortable.  Decisions are made by strangers to you and your family and there is every chance you may end up with arrangements you really do not like and which are rigid, taking away any element you have to be flexible.

There is a degree of expectation that parents are able and willing to communicate in the best interests of their children though this can be very hard for all sorts of reasons. Both parents attempting to reasonably discuss plans is far better for all involved as often, the Court will order arrangements that neither parent would have wanted in an attempt to be even handed.  Compromise is quicker, cheaper and beneficial to your children where a court battle is not, and there are a range of options available to parents to help with the difficult discussions.  The most important aspect for any parent is to show up with an open mind, willingness to compromise and desire to find a solution as quickly as possible.

If communication is difficult, there are various parenting apps available online. These apps remove any unnecessary communication and assist with interaction between parents.  Often, the language used in communication can be emotive and context is hard to get right.  Some apps help you to get that right and this can really ease the conflict that can be sparked by a clumsy text or email where no malice was intended.

Plan Ahead

Family dispute experts including Solicitors and the Family Mediation Council, are urging separated parents to make plans in advance for the holidays. Making arrangements sooner rather than later will not only allow both parents (and any extended family) to plan their time with the children but will also offer peace of mind.

More importantly though, the children will know their plans ahead of time and will be able to relax and be excited for the holidays ahead, rather than worry about them.

It also means that if any unexpected issues arise, there is ample time to resolve these and re-arrange any plans if necessary.

There are often situations where parents are unable to agree arrangements, sometimes not through lack of trying. Having these conversations early allows for the parents to seek assistance where an agreement cannot be reached. Arrangements can also be made that will give you a foundation to work with each year and make any further conversations and decision making easier.

At Band Hatton Button, our lawyers are all members of Resolution - First for Family Law and will help you resolve matters in a conciliatory way and with the needs of your children at the centre of it all. We also have an Accredited Family Mediator who can assist with all types of Family Mediation.

For more information visit the family pages of our website www.bandhattonbutton.com or call the Family team for initial help with no obligation on 024 7630 9307.