What does hearing the ‘Voice of the Child’ really mean for separated parents?

For parents managing or embarking on a co-parenting relationship following separation, there is a lot said about how to deal with everything and narrative about ‘The Voice of the Child’.

In my role as an accredited mediator, qualified to offer child inclusive mediation (CIM), I often meet with the children of separated parents that are in the mediation process with me because they are struggling to agree arrangements for those children.

What does this really mean for those parents and their children?

When meeting parents for mediation, I encourage them to consider the needs of their children, and we will have a conversation about me communicating directly with the children and offering them an opportunity to come and speak to me on their own.  Usually, this is available for children 10 years or older.  Sometimes, seeing younger children can be considered. Children can refuse to take part and that is fine too.

The meeting with their child is discussed carefully before that happens and parents are prepared for all eventualities and are encouraged to explore their worries about hearing things from their child that they may not expect or want to hear.  A meeting with a child will only take place though if both parents agree that it is the right option for them and their child.

What is the child’s meeting with the mediator like?

Issues of harm or potential harm to the child aside, any discussion with the child is confidential and nothing is shared from that unless the child gives permission, and this is explained to them.

Parents may worry that their child will be ‘cross-examined’ as if they are giving evidence.  The meeting with the child or young person develops naturally.  They will have heard from me before we meet, and they will know that they’re seeing me to talk about their parents and for me to hear any views they have.  The children are encouraged to talk about whatever is on their mind.

If children want to give some feedback to their parents, that is considered very carefully with them and, in my mediation practice, I encourage the child or young person to tell me exactly what they want me to say, and we write it down so that parents can read it quietly and reflect on it.  This ensures that parents are hearing their children’s words and not an interpretation.

Although children can opt to feedback nothing, it is not my experience that once a child has met with me, they have nothing to say.  Most meetings with children take less than half an hour although occasionally, some children have a lot more to share about all sorts of things!

I mostly see children in person though how that meeting takes place will be tailored to the needs of the children concerned.  It can be online if they really prefer it.  Some mediators will go to a child’s school.  Careful consideration is always given to how and when the meeting will happen and the logistics of that with the parents fully involved in those decisions.

What if the parents are still worried about their child being involved?

Perhaps understandably, many parents feel that they don’t want to involve their children.  Perhaps it helps to remember though that your children are involved because they are part of your life and that of their other parent and they are very likely aware if there are issues between you.  Many children say that they welcome the opportunity to say what they think though it can be hard to do that directly to the parents, for all sorts of reasons.

It’s important to distinguish between giving your child or young person an opportunity to say what they think and giving them the decisions to make.  Most children I have seen say that they want their parents to stop arguing and to sort things out.  Some may express a preference for a specific arrangement or plan.  I ensure that children that see me understand that the decisions won’t be theirs to make but they do have a chance to say what’s on their mind.  It can be hard for them to tell parents that may be caught up in all sorts of emotions that the children find it hard to navigate.  Telling someone that is not emotionally involved, can make it easier for them to find the right words to convey what they really think.  Many children don’t want to hurt their parents feelings and need help to say what they feel.

So, what happens if a child meets with the mediator and shares some thoughts?

After meeting with the child and agreeing what they want their parents to hear, I will have arranged with the parents in advance how they want to deal with the feedback.  Often, it’s best to deal with that as quickly as possible.  Usually, I suggest seeing the parents straight after their child so that the feedback is given.  I then suggest another joint mediation session sometime later so that they have time to reflect on what they’ve learned.

Whenever we do then have a joint session, the child’s thoughts are discussed, and I guide the parents to consider what that means to them and the plans they feel may work for them. In hearing the children’s views, there can be a temptation to do what a child has said, especially if it seems to align with one person’s views.  Sometimes though, what the child thinks they want, doesn’t necessarily serve that child’s needs fully and that is where the adults need to think carefully about what they do and how they then explain that to their child.

Case Study

To give an example of how this has worked in practice, I had the pleasure of mediating with a family who had two teenage children but one child under 10 years.  Whilst children under 10 years are not routinely involved in mediation, I gave that younger child the opportunity to meet me so that there were no feelings of being excluded from the issues that were impacting the whole family.  This family were all living in the same house at the time although the parents were going through their separation and trying to make plans.  It was a very tense and emotional time for everyone.

The parents discussed with me the opportunity for me to meet all the children and how that may help them make their plans.  We talked about what they expected to hear and what they may feel if they heard things they didn’t want to hear.

I wrote to all the children, and they wanted to see me.  We made plans with the parents to bring them all to my office after school one day.  When they arrived, I saw them all together to start with.  This gave me the opportunity to introduce myself and explain how our time together would work that day.  I checked with them if they’d thought about who should go first and we all agreed that I would see their younger sibling first, with the older child.

The meeting with the youngest child was short.  We chatted about all sorts of things and played with coloured pens.  Even that very young child wrote some words in different colours that they wanted to tell their parents.

I then saw the two older children separately.  All wanted to give some feedback to their parents.  All the children were very clear that they wanted their parents to stop fighting.

The first thing the youngest child told me was that they desired 50/50 although wasn’t clear what was meant by that, which I felt was entirely natural.  When hearing what the older sibling thought, the younger child echoed that desire.  All entirely natural as far as my experience goes.  The youngest child then told me of a desire not to go to school and described the frustrations with that experience.

In later mediation discussions with the parents, it was interesting that one parent then advocated an arrangement for the younger child, based on what that child had said was wanted.  Because I had seen the child, I was able to caution the parents to think carefully and remind them that the child also desired to abstain from school.  Would they do that too?  How much weight did they want to attach to what the child said was wanted about arrangements when perhaps the implications weren’t fully understood?

As uncomfortable as it was, with my guidance the parents were able to pause and reflect on what we had talked about as their roles and duties as parents.  They were able to dig deep and look carefully at what the dispute was and whether it served any real purpose to continue to oppose each other.  Of great concern was that their ongoing dispute and attitude towards each other was impacting their children.  This was at the forefront of the children’s minds when they saw me and said their parents should stop fighting.

The parents went on to make a plan that they both felt comfortable with.  They decided to go away and try what they’d discussed and then review the arrangements a couple of months later so that they could make changes if they felt it wasn’t working as well as it should.

Whilst this was a lot of work for the family, this process took only a few short weeks to deal with thus ending months of uncertainty and turmoil with arrangements they’d fully discussed.

Could this be the right process for you and your children?

You may have nothing to lose by trying it!  Mediation is usually quick and very cost efficient, sometimes with financial help available where income is low.

Whilst it may be important for children to feel included in what is happening to them and to understand at an age-appropriate level, all adults may need to be careful about putting the child in the position of decision maker.  The adults usually have all the information they need to make informed decisions, as well as advice from others that may have other experience and knowledge to contribute.  The adults are usually equipped to understand the consequences of their decisions.  The same cannot always be said for the children even though their views are being contributed.

Pressure put on children to give their parents their views on arrangements can also be intolerable for them.  If a child feels caught in the middle, doesn’t understand what their parents want from them or is worried about upsetting a parent, this can lead the child to refuse to spend time with a parent.  This can be devastating for all concerned, particularly the child.  Giving a child an objective third party to talk to without pressure to give answers, can be a very welcome relief.

For more information about mediation follow this link: https://www.bandhattonbutton.com/individuals/family-law-solicitors/mediation/

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